The Secret

     It's really been a while since my last post,on Nov 2016. And today is a new post for this very new year, 2017. I know, there is a lot of questions, even if there is no one will read this post, because I haven't received any visitor lately. But, this post will still be publish, as I want to tell what's going on with me around these years. 

   I don't know how to start actually, because I don't know how will people react about this post. and that makes me feel so nervous and scared. According to my last post of 2016, I had a mental breakdown, which in that post I wrote in kind-of-poem-style-but-not, I talked about how I don't understand myself. 'til now I'm still understanding 'who is me'. Actually I have these days, when I'm suddenly, mentally sick, like I can't think straightly, that makes me crying a lot, and self-harming and having a racing thoughts about you-know-the-bad-thoughts, and even have the tendencies to achieve what I've been planning on -- not the good things.

   The point is, everyone has their own struggles, and I understand that. and this is my struggles that I want others, especially my loved ones to understand, about how hard it is to be me. Like everyday, I have to fight with my own head which is utterly a mess and insane for me to going through it. I am not making all this thing up, as some people think, like, 'Oh there she goes again with her all sickness she has with her mind', 'Oh, she's crazy, she just seek for people's attention'. For God's sake, I'm not seeking for any of your damn attention, it's my real struggles that I have to get through it every fucking days. It's not about my laziness or selfishness, it's about my brain, my mental health problem. It's not my fault for having it. But I won't blame it too. I just need to seek help soon. Because I'm afraid that I'm making all these symptoms getting worse, and yes, I've contacted some organizations that spreading awareness for mental health, and it's helping me. and all I want from others that may know or not knowing me is understand how are people like me have to go through our days battling our own illness. We all have our struggles that we need people to understand and so do us, people that have mental illness need your understanding about our problem and stop the stigma. Let's talk about it.

I have MDD, BPD, and I'm not ashamed.

p/s; I've been thinking about getting a real help from a psychiatrist after my graduation,because right now, I'm having some financial issues but I will be fine. Just keep praying for my well being <3
update: Already seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist. On medications and CBT, daily and regularly. Pray for me xx

wiltedrose.s xx

Did I give Up?

0138 a.m. - 13 March 2015

there are things I want, God did not give.   

there are things that I want justice, I do not get. 

I am also vilified,
nor to beg forgiveness and redemption wrong.  

I am also vilified, nor to beg forgiveness cleanse the wrong impression. Obviously I'm not a people close to you, only able to leave a message "Be patient, be assured." But do not think I do not understand, what you are going through. Because of the size of the test that I encounter. But I was still patient and trust. Keep trying and trying.

am I give up?
I am familiar with these words, because, I've used it too.

"God hates me"
"God doesn't love me"

But, I do know that --
God did not promise that life would be easy, but He did promise to always be beside you, in every step of your life. 

But, I do know that --
This life is full with beautiful things that I know you can achieve it as long as you stay and keep trying.

stay safe.

wiltedrose.s xx

Nothing Matters Anymore

Every day I wake up with a dream 
to be happy and 
smile in every way

Everyday I wake up with a dream
to make people happy and
make them smile in every way


Even sometimes
I should harbored all my feelings
from everyone and even from -- my pets


They don't have to know
They don't have to notice
my feelings everyday


because they don't want to
and not even care


--
because between me and this life
nothing matters anymore

wiltedrose.s xx

The Stars

The pain

It's determined and demanding

To ache, but I'm okay..

And I don't want to let this go

I don't want to lose control

I just want to see the stars with you

And I don't want to say goodbye

Someone tell me why

I just want to see the stars with you

You lost, a part of your existence

In the war, against yourself

Oh, the lights,

They light up in lights of sadness

Telling you, it's time to go

_ some lyrics of TFIOS by Troye Sivan


---

Not everything I've experienced, 
everyone should know, and to know. 

Not everything I've experienced, 
others people experience it too. 

And not everyone understand. 



I'm not a star that shines for others. 
But I had such a dream. 

Other stars that shine resplendent, 
but I still try. 

Can I? 

-- Do not give up, dearself.

wiltedrose.s xx

Switch Off My Feelings

Even if you're scared, be brave.
Speak even if your voice shakes.
Stand even if your knees quake.
Smile even if your heart ache.

- M.K



"Apa yang kau rasa saat ini?"

"Entah, aku sepertinya sudah lemah, selemah-lemahnya."
"aku serasanya ingin terus hilang dari bumi."
"aku nak pergi selama-lamanya"

Sometimes, the world feels like a stranger to me, as I no longer know what is happening around me. I was so scared to see what's around the world, I'd be afraid to think about my future.

I do not know what it means to feel the pleasure, happiness, serenity. I was so distraught with my mind that act as a dictator who wants to dominate and knock me down. Sometimes, I, myself was not able to resist the words that racing in my mind as I like being forced to continually depressed. I'm afraid of myself. I am afraid of what I'm capable of to do with myself.

People might say, 
"you just want people's attention"
"you are only being lazy"
"you just disturbed my life with your problems"
"others might have bigger problems than you"
"stop playing around"
"just get over it"


I wish I know how to not feel anything at all, I know I might burdened some people with my silly problems.
I realize that I don't the reasons why I feels this way. I know I shouldn't care so much or think too much. I wish I know how to switch off my feelings.

Some might add,
"seek God"
"just pray more"
"you are lack in your faith"
"just tell your problems to God"
"do more zikr"


I wish I can be more pious like what people want me to be. I am telling all my problems to God, I'm never stop from asking Him to ease my burden, to help me. I am pray on time, I never skip my prayers even when I'm too depressed to do it. I don't know why I'm still having all these negative thoughts or even my suicidal thoughts. I don't know why I feels too much, I think too much, I care so much. I wish I can switch off my feelings.

---
I am broken inside, and it seems I can't wait for my death anymore, just let me die.

Trust

0205 - 17 November 2012

A trust to God
A trust to human
A trust to yourself

Trust to God,
is about believing what He gives and what we gets, - is good, suits for us
is about trusting our fate has been written carefully by Him
is about moving on in life as what He told us to do so.

Trust to God,
to be more patience in walking towards Him
to be more cautious about doing sins and bad things

to accept and be calm when life doesn't go the way we expected it to be.
to believe that He does not sent all the pain and tests without knowing our limits.

to believe in Him as our only God.


and 

we can't break the trust we get,
because it will hurt us more, -- being carelessly in pain because we start to complaint our fate.

I am complaining my fate, everyday.
but I am believing Him.
In other way, people start to judge me because they see me lacking in faith.

I am trying to rebuilt, my trust, my beliefs.
I know its hard when everything seems to collapse
and it make my trust towards Him, fading.

But I know, the reasons, the aim that He sent.
But I don't know how to put it in a phrase that I can understand.

then, this came,

"If Allah knows [any] good in your hearts, He will give you [something] better than what was taken from you, and He will forgive you; and Allah is Forgiving and Merciful." {Al-Anfal 8:70}

when you trust Him for all His reasons,
you find a way to believe in yourself.
slowly but surely. -- just believe.
even I don'y know how I will moving on in my life, but that's the only choice I have.

patience and trust.

wiltedrose.s xx

---
Trust is what made us more stronger. {Roses : 15}

A Journey

0950 - 30 Oktober 2012

First step in life
is about knowing God
to learn and love everything about Him, unconditionally.

Because that's what the religion says,
He deserves all the love from His mankind, creatures.

He made us to worship Him more than anything else.


and
He gives us all His tests to see how patience we are.

I am made to going through all this pain
I am made to be strong as we all strive for the most peaceful ending, 
-- in Heaven.

I am tired all the time
to going through the same pain 
to endure everything with His love

I am confused, sometimes
where does all these strength come from?

because I was tired, in pain, dying.
because to achieve something big -- heaven --

through this journey, 
I need to face all the darkest path.
I need to fulfill all need for the tests.
I need to be strong.

This journey ain't easy,
it is the hardest path in life
from the choices I've been making.

I am hurting in all the way to this journey,
My mind keeps  saying all the negative sides,
"you will not survive"
"you will end up in Hell"
"you are the most useless person"
"God doesn't loves you"


just stop. for a while, please.

people's judgement make it more worse,
people's ignorance make it more painful,
and I am giving up.

I was told to just get over it,
but they don't know how hard it is.

words may easy to burst it out,
but the feelings inside, -- you don't even want to think about it.

this journey from a slave to her God,
ain't that easy,
she knows that God loves her, -- that's where the tests, the pain, the challenges come from
yet she is giving up.

because she don't know if she would make it --
to Heaven.

I have to go on, after all.
may God ease the burden I am going through.
even sometimes, I know, I don't deserves any kindness.

please let me, pass this journey
to my God,
Allah s.w.t.

--

Moga bertemu kelak di Syurga-Nya.

wiltedrose.s xx

---

Even when life is moving in reverse, try to find a way in this journey, to meet the right path, safely. {Roses:10}

I'm Nothing

2252 p.m. - 17 December 2012

I am just an ordinary human,
Have none luxury property,
Have none charming countenance,
Have no luck in academics,
My behavior isn't what people expected me to have.

I am far away from what people want or expected me to be. 
I'm nothing. 

From the imperfections that I have,
I tried so hard to  -- 
be perfect and kind and nice and pretty,
Despite the fact that I know that there are no perfect human being,

I tried everything I throw in the course of time,
All the sins I try to ask forgiveness from Him,
I am trying everything defect corrected,
To be comparable with the God-given beauty.

I am trying,
To fix everything,
To heed His creation.


Because of it,
I implore my aid
Give me strength to live my days,
Give me a chance to change my behavior,
So I can be obedient servants of the One.


Because of it,
I seek help from you,
Do not belittle my intention,
Although I knew I was not as perfect as you,
Do not drop me,
Because I'm no match for you.


All I wanted was enthusiasm from you,
For myself,
Through twists and turns,
The most beautiful or even the worst of my life.


Because I'm only human,
I'm lowly,
I'm a sinner,
I'm nothing, 

That always trying to appreciate the blessings bestowed in me.

wiltedrose.s xx