I'm Not Strong Enough

I feel like, recently, I'm having a really hard times. 

Where I couldn't stand by my own feet.

The darkness seems to be so strong to hold me back from rise again.

-- aku futur.

But, I suppose if you want to lose and then settled down in it.

Because I still have friends who want to help.

Because I have my mom and dad that, I know they care about me.

Because I still have the one who is aware of any reason for everything.

Berulangkali aku mengingatkan diriku. 

Ahh, ia seolah membuat aku semakin terasa menjauh dengan-Nya.

I don't know why I feels all these crap feelings,

I don't know how to stop thinking,

I can't control my mind to think all the bad things,

I can't stop myself from make me hurt in any ways I could.

Some days,

It's just hard to fight my own mind,

It's just hard to wake up in the morning,

It's just hard to get out from the bed,

It's just so hard to be myself.

But I know,

-- I need to be strong

"Alin, mungkin ujian yang Allah beri pada Alin di dunia ini sangat hebat, tetapi mungkin Allah nak mudahkan kehidupan di alam barzakh, atau mungkin Allah mudahkan Alin di titian Sirat atau mungkin juga Allah telah sediakan sesuatu yang abadi di Syurga-Nya." - someone in heart.

"Alin, akak tahu awak kuat. Akak nampak potensi mujahadah dalam diri Alin. Alin cuma kena sentiasa belajar sabar di dalam bersabar. Orang mungkin kata sabar ada hadnya, tapi sebenarnya tidak. Ambil ibrah dari sifat kesabaran Nabi Ayub. Moga Tabah ya sayang." - Kakak manis.

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I am sorry, if I'm being to emotional, or annoying, or oversensitive. I know, that I am not good enough, I know that I may be just trying to achieve your attention, but try to understand how I really feels and what I am going through all days. It's just if you can understand, it's okay but don't judge me. 

wiledrose.s xx

03:08 am

Bila aku cuba jadi baik, mereka kata, "Eleh, kau dulu lagi teruk kot."

Well, siapa tak pernah jadi jahat? We all fall short sometime. 

Kalau nak cakap tentang baik, what is your definition for that? 

i

Post pasal islamik kat Facebook, tapi tak solat, tak baik jugak. 

ii

Jaga solat, tapi mulut mengumpat orang, sebar fitnah, menipu, tak baik jugak. 


iii
Tolong orang susah, tapi pukul binatang, tak baik jugak.


iv
Jaga alam sekitar, haiwan etc, tapi tak jaga relationship dengan manusia, tak baik jugak.

Siapa yang layak menilai sesiapa kat muka bumi ni? none. 

Definition of kind was not only mean by pious. You can't be labelled as kind if you are not a religious person, You can't be labelled as kind if you are not being all veiled up, You can't be labelled as kind if you are not praying all the time. This s bullshit. I am sorry for using bad words but I ain't agree with all these views. 

The word kind itself isn't for pious or religious thing. Kind is more open. Baik untuk semua orang, semua orang boleh jadi baik pada bila-bila masa. Evil? well every single person has their own evil side. It's only minimum or maximum. And it's up on us to choose evil or kind. Sometimes people followed their evil traits at first, salah pilih, mungkin banyak khilaf dia but then they realized that they should change for good. And when they changed from bad to good, you can't easily judge them from their past. Is it fair? to judge people from their past? their evil past? well, you are evil too. because you can't give them chances to proof that they changed. 

Just please, before you want to judge people look up on yourself first, semua orang pernah buat kesilapan. Kita perlu saling memahami dan memaafkan. Bukan menyalahkan orang kerana salah yang lepas. That's just make people more scared to change, to be better. 

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I am not good either. Tapi tak salah kan nak berubah? Every second is the chance to change. Don't judge their old evil side, be kind.

A Journey

0950 - 30 Oktober 2012

First step in life
is about knowing God
to learn and love everything about Him, unconditionally.

Because that's what the religion says,
He deserves all the love from His mankind, creatures.

He made us to worship Him more than anything else.


and
He gives us all His tests to see how patience we are.

I am made to going through all this pain
I am made to be strong as we all strive for the most peaceful ending, 
-- in Heaven.

I am tired all the time
to going through the same pain 
to endure everything with His love

I am confused, sometimes
where does all these strength come from?

because I was tired, in pain, dying.
because to achieve something big -- heaven --

through this journey, 
I need to face all the darkest path.
I need to fulfill all need for the tests.
I need to be strong.

This journey ain't easy,
it is the hardest path in life
from the choices I've been making.

I am hurting in all the way to this journey,
My mind keeps  saying all the negative sides,
"you will not survive"
"you will end up in Hell"
"you are the most useless person"
"God doesn't loves you"


just stop. for a while, please.

people's judgement make it more worse,
people's ignorance make it more painful,
and I am giving up.

I was told to just get over it,
but they don't know how hard it is.

words may easy to burst it out,
but the feelings inside, -- you don't even want to think about it.

this journey from a slave to her God,
ain't that easy,
she knows that God loves her, -- that's where the tests, the pain, the challenges come from
yet she is giving up.

because she don't know if she would make it --
to Heaven.

I have to go on, after all.
may God ease the burden I am going through.
even sometimes, I know, I don't deserves any kindness.

please let me, pass this journey
to my God,
Allah s.w.t.

--

Moga bertemu kelak di Syurga-Nya.

wiltedrose.s xx

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Even when life is moving in reverse, try to find a way in this journey, to meet the right path, safely. {Roses:10}