Dear Self

"I've been hurt so hard and I still love so hard. I admire my heart for that."


Dear self,
you have always been hurt.
you have always been tormented.

Dear self,
aren't you tired?
aren't you vulnerable?

In this twisted life, 
I know I am always will be in pain,
I know that the darkness may follow me till the end,

But they said,
after every rain, there's the rainbows.

I've been waiting for my rainbow to grow,
slowly but surely.

Dear soul,
even though you're tired and fragile,
I will stay strong.






wiltedrose.s xx

Switch Off My Feelings

Even if you're scared, be brave.
Speak even if your voice shakes.
Stand even if your knees quake.
Smile even if your heart ache.

- M.K



"Apa yang kau rasa saat ini?"

"Entah, aku sepertinya sudah lemah, selemah-lemahnya."
"aku serasanya ingin terus hilang dari bumi."
"aku nak pergi selama-lamanya"

Sometimes, the world feels like a stranger to me, as I no longer know what is happening around me. I was so scared to see what's around the world, I'd be afraid to think about my future.

I do not know what it means to feel the pleasure, happiness, serenity. I was so distraught with my mind that act as a dictator who wants to dominate and knock me down. Sometimes, I, myself was not able to resist the words that racing in my mind as I like being forced to continually depressed. I'm afraid of myself. I am afraid of what I'm capable of to do with myself.

People might say, 
"you just want people's attention"
"you are only being lazy"
"you just disturbed my life with your problems"
"others might have bigger problems than you"
"stop playing around"
"just get over it"


I wish I know how to not feel anything at all, I know I might burdened some people with my silly problems.
I realize that I don't the reasons why I feels this way. I know I shouldn't care so much or think too much. I wish I know how to switch off my feelings.

Some might add,
"seek God"
"just pray more"
"you are lack in your faith"
"just tell your problems to God"
"do more zikr"


I wish I can be more pious like what people want me to be. I am telling all my problems to God, I'm never stop from asking Him to ease my burden, to help me. I am pray on time, I never skip my prayers even when I'm too depressed to do it. I don't know why I'm still having all these negative thoughts or even my suicidal thoughts. I don't know why I feels too much, I think too much, I care so much. I wish I can switch off my feelings.

---
I am broken inside, and it seems I can't wait for my death anymore, just let me die.

Broken Inside

Jiwa yang tak redha, mudah rapuh.

Bila lagi nak rasa, kebergantungan pada Tuhan?

I am not a good person,
I am a sinner.

Dear myself,

teach your soul to accept everything that happen has a reason.

Anggap saja, ini salah satu cara,

Tuhan bagi, untuk mensucikan jiwa.

Akal sepertinya berputus asa dari mendirikan dinding-dinding perantara.
Hati juga kelihatannya sudah penat menahan setiap keadaan di masa-masa yang mana pernah kaki ini berjalan.

Is this a way to test how strong is my faith towards God?
Maybe. 

I know, I should have realize about my ups and downs to going through this painful life.

But, sometimes I can't stop myself from falling apart. 

My world seems to collapse more often, yet I'm still here.

I, myself, didn't understand the strength that I have to endure and keep going to stay and grow.

But I do know that He is the one that make me stronger and alive.

It's just my mind keep pushing me that I don't deserve any of this kindness and strength to stay.

I am broken inside. 

But I am trying to endure it.

teringin terbang seperti sang burung,

terbang lewat awan,

mencari asbab untuk terus hidup, 

tanpa kenal putus asa dengan rahmat TuhanNya.

wiltedrose.s xx

A Journey

0950 - 30 Oktober 2012

First step in life
is about knowing God
to learn and love everything about Him, unconditionally.

Because that's what the religion says,
He deserves all the love from His mankind, creatures.

He made us to worship Him more than anything else.


and
He gives us all His tests to see how patience we are.

I am made to going through all this pain
I am made to be strong as we all strive for the most peaceful ending, 
-- in Heaven.

I am tired all the time
to going through the same pain 
to endure everything with His love

I am confused, sometimes
where does all these strength come from?

because I was tired, in pain, dying.
because to achieve something big -- heaven --

through this journey, 
I need to face all the darkest path.
I need to fulfill all need for the tests.
I need to be strong.

This journey ain't easy,
it is the hardest path in life
from the choices I've been making.

I am hurting in all the way to this journey,
My mind keeps  saying all the negative sides,
"you will not survive"
"you will end up in Hell"
"you are the most useless person"
"God doesn't loves you"


just stop. for a while, please.

people's judgement make it more worse,
people's ignorance make it more painful,
and I am giving up.

I was told to just get over it,
but they don't know how hard it is.

words may easy to burst it out,
but the feelings inside, -- you don't even want to think about it.

this journey from a slave to her God,
ain't that easy,
she knows that God loves her, -- that's where the tests, the pain, the challenges come from
yet she is giving up.

because she don't know if she would make it --
to Heaven.

I have to go on, after all.
may God ease the burden I am going through.
even sometimes, I know, I don't deserves any kindness.

please let me, pass this journey
to my God,
Allah s.w.t.

--

Moga bertemu kelak di Syurga-Nya.

wiltedrose.s xx

---

Even when life is moving in reverse, try to find a way in this journey, to meet the right path, safely. {Roses:10}