Did I give Up?

0138 a.m. - 13 March 2015

there are things I want, God did not give.   

there are things that I want justice, I do not get. 

I am also vilified,
nor to beg forgiveness and redemption wrong.  

I am also vilified, nor to beg forgiveness cleanse the wrong impression. Obviously I'm not a people close to you, only able to leave a message "Be patient, be assured." But do not think I do not understand, what you are going through. Because of the size of the test that I encounter. But I was still patient and trust. Keep trying and trying.

am I give up?
I am familiar with these words, because, I've used it too.

"God hates me"
"God doesn't love me"

But, I do know that --
God did not promise that life would be easy, but He did promise to always be beside you, in every step of your life. 

But, I do know that --
This life is full with beautiful things that I know you can achieve it as long as you stay and keep trying.

stay safe.

wiltedrose.s xx

You were my world

I was your dream, you were my world

But now everything ruined

I'll leave all our memories,

and I'll never look back.

Whenever my mind flashback all memories,

I'll scream out up on the mountain.

Hope I'll never remember it again.

--

I'll burn the past,

and you'll never know.

Whenever you passing by,

I'll run away further till the end of the world.

Hope I'll never see you anymore.

---

Cause I'll leave everything about us behind.

you were my past.

you were my world.

wiltedrose.s xx

I'm Not Strong Enough

I feel like, recently, I'm having a really hard times. 

Where I couldn't stand by my own feet.

The darkness seems to be so strong to hold me back from rise again.

-- aku futur.

But, I suppose if you want to lose and then settled down in it.

Because I still have friends who want to help.

Because I have my mom and dad that, I know they care about me.

Because I still have the one who is aware of any reason for everything.

Berulangkali aku mengingatkan diriku. 

Ahh, ia seolah membuat aku semakin terasa menjauh dengan-Nya.

I don't know why I feels all these crap feelings,

I don't know how to stop thinking,

I can't control my mind to think all the bad things,

I can't stop myself from make me hurt in any ways I could.

Some days,

It's just hard to fight my own mind,

It's just hard to wake up in the morning,

It's just hard to get out from the bed,

It's just so hard to be myself.

But I know,

-- I need to be strong

"Alin, mungkin ujian yang Allah beri pada Alin di dunia ini sangat hebat, tetapi mungkin Allah nak mudahkan kehidupan di alam barzakh, atau mungkin Allah mudahkan Alin di titian Sirat atau mungkin juga Allah telah sediakan sesuatu yang abadi di Syurga-Nya." - someone in heart.

"Alin, akak tahu awak kuat. Akak nampak potensi mujahadah dalam diri Alin. Alin cuma kena sentiasa belajar sabar di dalam bersabar. Orang mungkin kata sabar ada hadnya, tapi sebenarnya tidak. Ambil ibrah dari sifat kesabaran Nabi Ayub. Moga Tabah ya sayang." - Kakak manis.

---

I am sorry, if I'm being to emotional, or annoying, or oversensitive. I know, that I am not good enough, I know that I may be just trying to achieve your attention, but try to understand how I really feels and what I am going through all days. It's just if you can understand, it's okay but don't judge me. 

wiledrose.s xx

First page of reality

“One. Do not promise when you’re happy.

    Two. When you are angry, do not respond.
Three. Do not decide when you’re sad.”

— Wisdom

Ini muka surat pertama tentang realiti.

Muka surat yang akan menerangkan kau apa maksud hidup sebenar.
Muka surat yang akan membuatkan tertanya, mengapa aku begini,
                                           -- sehingga kau baca hingga ke akhir.


Hidup; 
apa yang kau tahu tentangnya?

Mari aku ceritakan.

- Bagi aku, hidup ini banyak cabang, pilihan. Antara hidup dengan jalan ke syurga atau hidup 
  dengan jalan ke neraka. Maka, kau pilih. Kadang kita pilih untuk ke syurga tapi jalan ke
  neraka. Kau buat pilihan, dan kau harus tahu caranya dan jalannya. Bukan hanya, membabi
  buta. Mulut kata syurga tapi 'action' ke neraka. Nah, kalau gembira jangan berjanji. Karena 
  mungkin nanti kau lupa. Saat kau marah jangan membuat tindakan, kelak kau sendiri makan 
  dalam. Dan saat kau sedih jangan membuat keputusan karena saat sedih adalah waktu emosi
  kurang stabil, dan keputusan yang dibuat berkemungkinan 50% negatif. Apa lagi yang 
  kau mahu tahu tentang hidup? 


Hidup tiap manusia itu beda dengan manusia yang lainnya. 
Lalu, jika hidup kau senang jangan kau menilai hidup manusia yang sukar.

Apa kau pernah tahu jalan hidup seseorang?
yang kau tahu cuma jalan hidup kau dan apa mahunya diri kau.

Jadi mengapa harus wujud manusia yang suka "judging"?
Aku heran sekali.

Nah,
soal hidup aku juga kau tak perlu tahu dan biar Tuhan saja yang tahu.
Dan, tutup erat mulut kau jangan coba menilai.

Dan moga Tuhan bantu aku.

An Erase

I know I made a lot of mistakes
I know I keep repeating the same mistakes

I know I made people feel worried
I know I made people feel annoyed

I understand if some people can't forgive me for my wrongdoings
I made a lot of bad things to people, to myself.

and I can't forgive myself either.


I realize that my mistakes make people leave me
I realize that I push some people away, and that's my mistakes.

I can't let people stay with me,
because I'm worried that they will end up hurting.

People always said,
"A pencil always need an erase. So that if we make a wrong, we can erase it."

I can't find any eraser to eliminate my mistakes,
I keep doing the same mistakes,
I have no point to erase it.

I make it more worse.







---
"It's not like what you think. Things can change. It just up to ourself." - White Rose, Monologue_29062013

wiltedrose.s xx

Trust

0205 - 17 November 2012

A trust to God
A trust to human
A trust to yourself

Trust to God,
is about believing what He gives and what we gets, - is good, suits for us
is about trusting our fate has been written carefully by Him
is about moving on in life as what He told us to do so.

Trust to God,
to be more patience in walking towards Him
to be more cautious about doing sins and bad things

to accept and be calm when life doesn't go the way we expected it to be.
to believe that He does not sent all the pain and tests without knowing our limits.

to believe in Him as our only God.


and 

we can't break the trust we get,
because it will hurt us more, -- being carelessly in pain because we start to complaint our fate.

I am complaining my fate, everyday.
but I am believing Him.
In other way, people start to judge me because they see me lacking in faith.

I am trying to rebuilt, my trust, my beliefs.
I know its hard when everything seems to collapse
and it make my trust towards Him, fading.

But I know, the reasons, the aim that He sent.
But I don't know how to put it in a phrase that I can understand.

then, this came,

"If Allah knows [any] good in your hearts, He will give you [something] better than what was taken from you, and He will forgive you; and Allah is Forgiving and Merciful." {Al-Anfal 8:70}

when you trust Him for all His reasons,
you find a way to believe in yourself.
slowly but surely. -- just believe.
even I don'y know how I will moving on in my life, but that's the only choice I have.

patience and trust.

wiltedrose.s xx

---
Trust is what made us more stronger. {Roses : 15}

A Journey

0950 - 30 Oktober 2012

First step in life
is about knowing God
to learn and love everything about Him, unconditionally.

Because that's what the religion says,
He deserves all the love from His mankind, creatures.

He made us to worship Him more than anything else.


and
He gives us all His tests to see how patience we are.

I am made to going through all this pain
I am made to be strong as we all strive for the most peaceful ending, 
-- in Heaven.

I am tired all the time
to going through the same pain 
to endure everything with His love

I am confused, sometimes
where does all these strength come from?

because I was tired, in pain, dying.
because to achieve something big -- heaven --

through this journey, 
I need to face all the darkest path.
I need to fulfill all need for the tests.
I need to be strong.

This journey ain't easy,
it is the hardest path in life
from the choices I've been making.

I am hurting in all the way to this journey,
My mind keeps  saying all the negative sides,
"you will not survive"
"you will end up in Hell"
"you are the most useless person"
"God doesn't loves you"


just stop. for a while, please.

people's judgement make it more worse,
people's ignorance make it more painful,
and I am giving up.

I was told to just get over it,
but they don't know how hard it is.

words may easy to burst it out,
but the feelings inside, -- you don't even want to think about it.

this journey from a slave to her God,
ain't that easy,
she knows that God loves her, -- that's where the tests, the pain, the challenges come from
yet she is giving up.

because she don't know if she would make it --
to Heaven.

I have to go on, after all.
may God ease the burden I am going through.
even sometimes, I know, I don't deserves any kindness.

please let me, pass this journey
to my God,
Allah s.w.t.

--

Moga bertemu kelak di Syurga-Nya.

wiltedrose.s xx

---

Even when life is moving in reverse, try to find a way in this journey, to meet the right path, safely. {Roses:10}

I'm Nothing

2252 p.m. - 17 December 2012

I am just an ordinary human,
Have none luxury property,
Have none charming countenance,
Have no luck in academics,
My behavior isn't what people expected me to have.

I am far away from what people want or expected me to be. 
I'm nothing. 

From the imperfections that I have,
I tried so hard to  -- 
be perfect and kind and nice and pretty,
Despite the fact that I know that there are no perfect human being,

I tried everything I throw in the course of time,
All the sins I try to ask forgiveness from Him,
I am trying everything defect corrected,
To be comparable with the God-given beauty.

I am trying,
To fix everything,
To heed His creation.


Because of it,
I implore my aid
Give me strength to live my days,
Give me a chance to change my behavior,
So I can be obedient servants of the One.


Because of it,
I seek help from you,
Do not belittle my intention,
Although I knew I was not as perfect as you,
Do not drop me,
Because I'm no match for you.


All I wanted was enthusiasm from you,
For myself,
Through twists and turns,
The most beautiful or even the worst of my life.


Because I'm only human,
I'm lowly,
I'm a sinner,
I'm nothing, 

That always trying to appreciate the blessings bestowed in me.

wiltedrose.s xx