I was once believed that suicide was my only option. I had developed belief systems in my childhood that I was unaware of until I was 23 years old. These beliefs were strong and complex, many to do with how I viewed myself and how I viewed other people. Suicide first became an option for me when I was 15 years old. I was struggled with many suicidal thoughts that I thought it was never ending thoughts.
I was so inspired by Chester Bennington whom then hanged himself on 2017. I was so devastated when first heard about the news, and from then I learned about hanging. I was very suicidal and can't think anything but suicide is the only option. I was clearly lost in my path of life. I tried hanged myself when I was in recovery phase at my dad's home. I thought I might ended up like Chester. But my dad found me. It just messed up my plan. I was sent to psychiatric ward for a month.
Okay.. from my last post I was in my recovery. I was so in shape to get better. But I also said that I was relapsed two month after I thought I was better. And yeap, its happened again. I was thinking that I am better yet I realized that I can relapse in no time. I relapsed real bad this time, today is 2020 and I was 88 days clean from self harming and I was three months free from my last suicide attempt. I admit that I still keep a rope that I silently bought it online to triggers myself and maybe act on it. I keep it far from my eyes, don't worry much. Yet, its still a rope to kill myself. Don't ask me why I keep it if I want to recover from my illnesses. It was my safe — plan. I know its a brutal plan. But I dot have any safe plan to keep in my recovery path. As long as I keep the rope, I will remember that suicide is still a choice but I keep it because I know there's still other choices.
Truthfully, I don't want to end my life by killing myself but what if that's the only option? NO. yes, many of you will say that. I told myself that too. I keep trying to remind myself that suicide isn't painless, isn't the only way, isn't worth and its permanent. I should think about what will my mother feels, my brothers. They may end up like me being depressed caused by my suicide. But you see, the person that provoke all my suicide attempts was my family. Do you think its still reliable to think about them while I want to kill myself? Seriously, I don't know. I may attempt to do it again.
I know, I should keep fighting against my suicidal thoughts, right now, I'm fucking trying. Everyday is a struggle. to see things like I'm cutting off my head, seeing I'm swinging hang at the fan of my house. I keep seeing myself dead by suicide, maybe because I tremendously thinking about it? I hear voices like saying "You need to hang yourself again", "You better off dead", "You need to cut deeper" and "Why don't you let yourself drowning in the sea". Every simplest thing around me, triggers me. But I'm okay with it, I'm still alive though.
I am currently off from taking any medications, and injection. Because I don't want to depend on it even though I know I need to rely on them. But from current situation I can't. Just keep praying that I will staying sane until my next appointment. I'm currently silently fighting, because my family sees me as a better person now. I just keep myself on track everyday by pretending it. I'm good at it, right? It's okay, I will be better soon.
--
Sorry for no updates. I will continue writing soon. Thankyou for reading! Regards, WR.
I was so inspired by Chester Bennington whom then hanged himself on 2017. I was so devastated when first heard about the news, and from then I learned about hanging. I was very suicidal and can't think anything but suicide is the only option. I was clearly lost in my path of life. I tried hanged myself when I was in recovery phase at my dad's home. I thought I might ended up like Chester. But my dad found me. It just messed up my plan. I was sent to psychiatric ward for a month.
Okay.. from my last post I was in my recovery. I was so in shape to get better. But I also said that I was relapsed two month after I thought I was better. And yeap, its happened again. I was thinking that I am better yet I realized that I can relapse in no time. I relapsed real bad this time, today is 2020 and I was 88 days clean from self harming and I was three months free from my last suicide attempt. I admit that I still keep a rope that I silently bought it online to triggers myself and maybe act on it. I keep it far from my eyes, don't worry much. Yet, its still a rope to kill myself. Don't ask me why I keep it if I want to recover from my illnesses. It was my safe — plan. I know its a brutal plan. But I dot have any safe plan to keep in my recovery path. As long as I keep the rope, I will remember that suicide is still a choice but I keep it because I know there's still other choices.
Truthfully, I don't want to end my life by killing myself but what if that's the only option? NO. yes, many of you will say that. I told myself that too. I keep trying to remind myself that suicide isn't painless, isn't the only way, isn't worth and its permanent. I should think about what will my mother feels, my brothers. They may end up like me being depressed caused by my suicide. But you see, the person that provoke all my suicide attempts was my family. Do you think its still reliable to think about them while I want to kill myself? Seriously, I don't know. I may attempt to do it again.
I know, I should keep fighting against my suicidal thoughts, right now, I'm fucking trying. Everyday is a struggle. to see things like I'm cutting off my head, seeing I'm swinging hang at the fan of my house. I keep seeing myself dead by suicide, maybe because I tremendously thinking about it? I hear voices like saying "You need to hang yourself again", "You better off dead", "You need to cut deeper" and "Why don't you let yourself drowning in the sea". Every simplest thing around me, triggers me. But I'm okay with it, I'm still alive though.
I am currently off from taking any medications, and injection. Because I don't want to depend on it even though I know I need to rely on them. But from current situation I can't. Just keep praying that I will staying sane until my next appointment. I'm currently silently fighting, because my family sees me as a better person now. I just keep myself on track everyday by pretending it. I'm good at it, right? It's okay, I will be better soon.
--
Sorry for no updates. I will continue writing soon. Thankyou for reading! Regards, WR.
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