"Everyone has a story to tell. There’s a reason why they are the way they are. So, before you start talking, please look in me, in my eyes of words, where I pour everything that crippling up inside my only heart that still beating alive. There will be some connections between our lines where we could meet up at some point, understand each other. Spread the love that once we had. Stay safe & stay alive."

I have to be Okay

It's dark and lonely.
It's empty and suffocated.

How did I end up here, feeling so chaotic and so restless. 
I realized I can’t articulate my thoughts anymore. It’s killing the people around me and killing myself even more. 

Somehow, I feel like I don't know how to go on anymore. 
I forget everything I know, I'm contemplating to do anything destructive and I realized that I'm out of control.

I tried to make people notice how hurt I am, but it seem everyone turn their back and ignore.
I realized that everyone deals with a little pain, so who am I say I'm not okay? 

I'm always trying to talk to my friends and I'm supposed to be a good friend,
but I realized that I'm so easily replaceable for some reason.

It gets harder to talk about it, when people ask "why". 
But I think it gets easier to hold it up for myself, to shut up louder, to pretend that I don't want you when all I want is to give in, to hold back the tears and release them once I get into my own bed.

But I think it gets easier to pretend its just a phase, to pretend I want to exist.
I said so many times, "I want to exist, I want to exist."
until I believe it. 

But then the darkness crawling up into my face saying it out loud; 
"You are nothing" 
"You are a troublesome" 
"You are useless" 
"You are not exist"

and then I think it will getting easier again if I called myself crazy and an arsenic as an excuse for feeling, as if I'm not allowed to feel anything, as if this pressure build-up in my head is nothing but unequal brain chemistry as everyone can brush off my emotions.

and then the sadness, the darkness goes deeper inside me, making me apologizing all the time. I suspect that I'm offending everyone even strangers with my behavior or my attitude, my words or even my silences. I say sorry to make sure that I am not hurting anyone, as if its okay if I'm hurting alone. 

and then I feel like I am far away from people, that people start to run away when I tried to talk. I know, I may used the wrong words to ventilate my real emotions, that I make people go away and felt offended. I am trying to use word to let out my inner feelings as I don't know how other than harming myself.

they said, "I will be there" but all I get is nobody wants to be there for the girl who is always sad. 

I realized that people start to get annoyed by my rant, my 'always sad' feelings, so I try to shut up until I can't where I will be so dangerous and I know I can't ventilate my feelings to people so, I vent to my body. It says red all the time but I feel the release of pain that I've been holding on and its dying.

Why I have all these freaky and crappy thoughts about things that I shouldn't think about,
feels like everyone is leaving me, people starting to hate me, that they are better off without me.
All the darkness that I have consumes inside my soul and make me feels like dying and suffering.

It's so suffocated.
To feel everything and nothing at once. 
This feelings is so unexplainable that I can feel my chest is so heavy, like there's some big building that I'm carry on my chest.

But then, I know I have to be okay, and not burdening people with all my silly feeling of sadness, madness, and darkness. 
and I repeating the words, "I have to be okay" 

wiltedrose.s xx

It's Been Hard

I thought I was strong enough
I thought I was brave enough
I thought I was in control enough

But I was wrong.

I am not strong enough
I am not brave enough
I am not in control enough

Because everything is falling apart, collapsing, in front of me.
I am powerless, vulnerable. 

I don't know if I am not trying at all.
I don't know if I can survive at all.

It's been hard lately, I've been not alright for few weeks.

I can't focus in what I want to do, even in my prayers.
I often confused reading in my prayers, 
I often engrossed in reading my books,
I can't drive without being reckless,
I can't talk properly, either I don't talk at all or I talk too much or rapidly,

I am not controlling my mind.
They keep on teasing me,
They keep on screaming on me,
They keep on yelling at me,
They can't stop.

I can't help myself,
from hurting myself,
from being awful to myself,
from doing anything that lead to pain for myself,
from hating myself.

I don't know what I can do for myself to keep growing.
I don't know if I can even love myself.

I know, that I am not okay.
I know, that I am giving up.

But, I can't stop now. 

You know why?
Because I still have people that didn't give up on me, I have my loved ones that still cheer for me.

That's what holding me up.
I can't stand to see them crying over my dead body.
I can't stand to see them being judge by idiots because of my death.

But it's been hard lately,
Can I give up?

wiltedrose.s xx

The Secret

     It's really been a while since my last post,on Nov 2016. And today is a new post for this very new year, 2017. I know, there is a lot of questions, even if there is no one will read this post, because I haven't received any visitor lately. But, this post will still be publish, as I want to tell what's going on with me around these years. 

   I don't know how to start actually, because I don't know how will people react about this post. and that makes me feel so nervous and scared. According to my last post of 2016, I had a mental breakdown, which in that post I wrote in kind-of-poem-style-but-not, I talked about how I don't understand myself. 'til now I'm still understanding 'who is me'. Actually I have these days, when I'm suddenly, mentally sick, like I can't think straightly, that makes me crying a lot, and self-harming and having a racing thoughts about you-know-the-bad-thoughts, and even have the tendencies to achieve what I've been planning on -- not the good things.
        The point is, everyone have their own struggles, and I understand that. and this is my struggles that I want others, especially my loved ones to understand, about how hard it is to be me. Like everyday, I have to struggle with my mind, even having a battle, war with my own mind every single day. I'm not making this up, as some people think, like, 'Oh there she goes again with her all sickness she has with her mind', 'Oh, she's crazy, she just seek for people's attention'. For God's sake, I'm not seeking for any of your damn attention, it's my real struggles that I have to get through it every fucking days. It's not about my laziness or selfishness, it's about my brain, my mental health problem. It's not my fault for having it. But I won't blame it too. I just need to seek help soon. Because I'm afraid that I'm making all these symptoms getting worse, and yes, I've contacted some organizations that spreading awareness for mental health, and it's helping me. and all I want from others that may know or not knowing me is understand how are people like me have to go through our days battling our own illness. We all have our struggles that we need people to understand and so do us, people that have mental illness need your understanding about our problem and stop the stigma. Let's talk about it.

I have MDD, GAD and I not ashamed.

p/s; I've been thinking about getting a real help from a psychiatrist after my graduation,because right now, I'm having some financial issues but I will be fine. Just keep praying for my well being <3

wiltedrose.s xx