"Everyone has a story to tell. There’s a reason why they are the way they are. So, before you start talking, please look in me, in my eyes of words, where I pour everything that crippling up inside my only heart that still beating alive. There will be some connections between our lines where we could meet up at some point, understand each other. Spread the love that once we had. Stay safe & stay alive."

A Path Into My Disorder

It is not warm or welcoming. It’s cold and uninviting, yet so many people live there. Someone is always talking and whispering, even sometimes screaming.

I’m going to take you through my messy, little mind in hopes you will better understand mental illness. Many people believe it is because we don’t eat right, sleep well or exercise enough. Even more people feel like we do this to ourselves. And the most hurtful is people think that people with invisible illnesses are lack of faith to their God. Saying “you are not praying enough,” “you are not close to God,” “Just pray more and focus on your religion,”. I know, and I believe that most of people with invisible illness didnt asked for this pain. Yet, trying as harder as we can to recover, but sometimes there are few time relapse can happens as well, there is no recovery progression if there is no relapse or breakdown. We breakdown, we need support and be there as we save ourselves.

And nowadays more frequently in the media, I see people romanticizing mental illness and I won’t stand for that. If you think mental illness is tragically beautiful,” then I think you should look again. Mental illnesses isn't something that people should be playing around saying like it is some kind of cool stuff” or a “trend”. So here we goes into the mind of my disorder.. 

There are many people living in my head. There is the manipulator, the angry one, the little girl, the shell, the void and the invincible. Here’s a more in-depth explanation of each:

The manipulator used to make her way out often;

“Hmm, my psychiatrist and psychologist hasn’t shown much interest lately. Why don’t we pretend to be worse than I am?”, or this, My friend doesn’t seem to have made me as priority. Are they hating me? Am I did something wrong?”, and this, The psychiatrist doesn’t seem to think I’m sick enough to be here. Maybe I should hurts myself more or maybe try to attempt a suicide.” This sick person takes over my body and I sit back and watch as she ruins my life.

The angry teenager rages against all that she feels she hasn’t deserved, angry she is always the one to be yelled at and the one to be blamed;

“If my parents didnt get to divorced, maybe I can have a happy family like others? Why am I the only one should feel guilty about all of this stupid family thing? Why is my mother has to be mad at me about her relationship with my father?” “If it is not my fault, then why are people keep on ignoring me as Im the only one that is a burden?” Her abusive and neglectful childhood was so inconsistent, her sense of balance is forever warped. She is constantly mad at everyone for making her who she is. 

The little girl, always feels the need to be held;
“Just hold me. Please, make me feel safe. Nothing is OK. I’m not OK. Please, help me. Please, I’m scared.” This little girl inside of me is always crying because she doesn’t feel safe, always wanting to run but never knowing where to run to, constantly in fear of being yelled at, being locked in the dark, being abandoned, being forgotten and left to fight the monsters by herself. 

Now, there’s also this shell of a person. It’s not real. It doesn’t think I’m real. It doesn’t think any of this is real. When its in control, looking in the mirror is harder than ever. All I see is this ghost with no connection in her eyes. I’m just a shadow.

“None of this is real. Everything is OK because none of this is happening. You aren’t real. You aren’t real. You aren’t real. You don’t exist. You do not exist. You do not exist.” Over and over, like a broken record, there’s no way to stop it. My insides are hollow, no feeling, no flicker of life.

Then there’s the void; it’s what happens when nobody is in control, yet I still can’t grab the reigns myself. It’s the depression at its worst. It’s existing and being nothing, meaning nothing matters in the least. Nobody hates you. Nobody loves you. You’re just floating in this deep sea of loneliness and all you want to do is sleep your days away. You can’t even muster up the emotion to be angry or afraid of anything. You are just a meaningless existence.

Often, I can put up a facade to cover whichever person is running my body. They still have their outbursts, the moments when I loose all control and have to watch the disaster ensue.

Imagine having this thought on a daily basis: Who am I?

I don’t mean it in some round-about philosophical way. I mean literally. Imagine not knowing who you really are. There’s a point in each day of my life that this strange question intrudes my thoughts. I am so many different things. I shift so many times in a day to keep up with the different people who surround me I don’t know which “version” is the real me. 

See, this is one aspect of borderline personality disorder which is often missed. Like most things, not every one with the condition will experience this. Yet, for me, it is one of my biggest and often, most unbearable symptoms. 

Sometimes it feels strange to me there are people out there who haven’t thought seriously of suicide or don’t understand why people self-harm. Not a week goes by where I don’t seriously consider suicide at least once and not a day goes by where I don’t have to talk myself out of self-harm. 

Every day, I seriously consider self-harm. Every single day, I have to tell myself needing stitches will not solve my problems, but it isn’t only physical self-harm. Sometimes just putting myself in dangerous situations fulfills the self-destructive need. I sometimes put myself with someone I shouldn’t be, just so I can feel terrible about myself because I feel like I deserve it. There is always a part of me trying to ruin my relationships. I think things like, “I’m sure I don’t deserve them and I’m sure they’re going to just pick up and stop talking to me again so I better finish this my way!” I’ve managed to sabotage most of my relationships because of my actions, based on the rampage of countering thoughts running through my mind.  

“Well I hate them. I’m never going to talk to them again.”

“No, no, no I need them. I hope they don’t hate me.”
“Oh screw them, this is their fault.”
“Oh God, I hate myself for all this. I hope they don’t hate me too!” 

It’s a roller coaster I want to get off of, and even worse, sometimes the people in my head decide to fight. It’s not just a mild disagreement. Oh no, a full on screaming match and it’s all I can do to keep from losing my mind. Sometimes the voices get so loud, I can’t stand it. I have entire episodes of screaming at my mind to quiet down. It’s so intense and painful I feel like my brain is about to implode on itself.

The worst part, though? It has to be the fact that I’ve created so many different “versions” of me that I can no longer identify what I’m actually like as a person. I don’t know my own personality. I struggle to find my own interests. Sometimes, I don’t even know what I dislike because everything changes depending on who I’m with. Does that make me fake?

No, because it’s OK to take some time to find yourself. When you eventually do, it’s OK if not everyone likes you. I’m still trying to get the hang of that concept myself, but one day, I hope I will confidently be able to say, “I am me,” and that will be just enough. When you see me or other people having some hard time, maybe its just hard to get out of the bed, maybe its just worrying to much, don’t criticize or say we are not trying to get better because you don’t know what we are all going through because e
veryone fights a different battle. Don’t judge someone’s battle just because it isn’t the same as yours.

wiltedrose.s xx

I have to be Okay

It's dark and lonely.
It's empty and suffocated.

How did I end up here, feeling so chaotic and so restless. 
I realized I can’t articulate my thoughts anymore. It’s killing the people around me and killing myself even more. 

Somehow, I feel like I don't know how to go on anymore. 
I forget everything I know, I'm contemplating to do anything destructive and I realized that I'm out of control.

I tried to make people notice how hurt I am, but it seem everyone turn their back and ignore.
I realized that everyone deals with a little pain, so who am I say I'm not okay? 

I'm always trying to talk to my friends and I'm supposed to be a good friend,
but I realized that I'm so easily replaceable for some reason.

It gets harder to talk about it, when people ask "why". 
But I think it gets easier to hold it up for myself, to shut up louder, to pretend that I don't want you when all I want is to give in, to hold back the tears and release them once I get into my own bed.

But I think it gets easier to pretend its just a phase, to pretend I want to exist.
I said so many times, "I want to exist, I want to exist."
until I believe it. 

But then the darkness crawling up into my face saying it out loud; 
"You are nothing" 
"You are a troublesome" 
"You are useless" 
"You are not exist"

and then I think it will getting easier again if I called myself crazy and an arsenic as an excuse for feeling, as if I'm not allowed to feel anything, as if this pressure build-up in my head is nothing but unequal brain chemistry as everyone can brush off my emotions.

and then the sadness, the darkness goes deeper inside me, making me apologizing all the time. I suspect that I'm offending everyone even strangers with my behavior or my attitude, my words or even my silences. I say sorry to make sure that I am not hurting anyone, as if its okay if I'm hurting alone. 

and then I feel like I am far away from people, that people start to run away when I tried to talk. I know, I may used the wrong words to ventilate my real emotions, that I make people go away and felt offended. I am trying to use word to let out my inner feelings as I don't know how other than harming myself.

they said, "I will be there" but all I get is nobody wants to be there for the girl who is always sad. 

I realized that people start to get annoyed by my rant, my 'always sad' feelings, so I try to shut up until I can't where I will be so dangerous and I know I can't ventilate my feelings to people so, I vent to my body. It says red all the time but I feel the release of pain that I've been holding on and its dying.

Why I have all these freaky and crappy thoughts about things that I shouldn't think about,
feels like everyone is leaving me, people starting to hate me, that they are better off without me.
All the darkness that I have consumes inside my soul and make me feels like dying and suffering.

It's so suffocated.
To feel everything and nothing at once. 
This feelings is so unexplainable that I can feel my chest is so heavy, like there's some big building that I'm carry on my chest.

But then, I know I have to be okay, and not burdening people with all my silly feeling of sadness, madness, and darkness. 
and I repeating the words, "I have to be okay" 

wiltedrose.s xx

It's Been Hard

I thought I was strong enough
I thought I was brave enough
I thought I was in control enough

But I was wrong.

I am not strong enough
I am not brave enough
I am not in control enough

Because everything is falling apart, collapsing, in front of me.
I am powerless, vulnerable. 

I don't know if I am not trying at all.
I don't know if I can survive at all.

It's been hard lately, I've been not alright for few weeks.

I can't focus in what I want to do, even in my prayers.
I often confused reading in my prayers, 
I often engrossed in reading my books,
I can't drive without being reckless,
I can't talk properly, either I don't talk at all or I talk too much or rapidly,

I am not controlling my mind.
They keep on teasing me,
They keep on screaming on me,
They keep on yelling at me,
They can't stop.

I can't help myself,
from hurting myself,
from being awful to myself,
from doing anything that lead to pain for myself,
from hating myself.

I don't know what I can do for myself to keep growing.
I don't know if I can even love myself.

I know, that I am not okay.
I know, that I am giving up.

But, I can't stop now. 

You know why?
Because I still have people that didn't give up on me, I have my loved ones that still cheer for me.

That's what holding me up.
I can't stand to see them crying over my dead body.
I can't stand to see them being judge by idiots because of my death.

But it's been hard lately,
Can I give up?

wiltedrose.s xx