Death and Life

I remember vividly how I tried to kill myself, its not the first time I had tried. I've been tried to kill myself over 10 times. 5 of them put me into the hospital in psychiatric ward. On the last post about me being warded in psychiatric ward for the first time was the first step of me in this freaking long recovery journey. It's 2019 now. and it's been 3 years I'm on treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder with Psychosis and Bulimia Nervosa. on May 2019, I am confidently told my psychiatrist that I want to stop treatment because I think and felt like I'm better already. 

But you see, this is all my brain tricks, to makes me relapse even worse. and yeap, I relapse even worsen two months after. I cut and even did a suicide attempt but thankfully didn't end up in psychiatric ward cause I just went to a private clinic where I work at, and my cuts didn't hit my veins but almost. It was bleeding non stop till the next day. My doctor at the clinic told me and even gave me a referral letter to go the Emergency Department in Hospital Sg Buloh but yeah, I just keep myself at home until it stops bleeding by itself. Its took three days to stop. and I keeps having vertigo because I loss a lot of blood. MY mum of course got really mad at me and but told me to go to the hospital by myself but yeah, I don't have the guts to go.

Thinking seriously about suicide is something you can’t ignore, and you need to recognize that.
I’m not going to tell you that you should reconsider. I’m not going to try and guilt you into staying alive, either. 

Instead I want to offer you some things that I learned while standing on the brink of destruction. Is it wrong to kill yourself? No. But it’s a bad idea if you haven’t really thought through a few things first.

There is no reason to kill yourself right now or later tonight. Give yourself three more days or a day. Go ahead and set a fucking timer if you want, but give yourself a few days to look around and be sure you’re making the right decision.

If you feel like you can’t wait for few days, I need you to realize that you are likely having an uncontrollable anxiety attack or a break from reality. This is TEMPORARY. Suicide is permanent. You need to get help right now, because chances are that your brain is playing tricks on you, and you’re not thinking clearly. You might accidentally do something you’ll regret.

One really important thing I need to mention is that killing yourself isn’t easy. You statistically are not going to succeed, and instead you’re going to severely hurt yourself and possibly fuck yourself up and then have to deal with that on top of everything else. Sorry, but I’m just being brutally honest here. Think that you’re just gonna overdose on pills and go to sleep forever? Yeah, sorry to break it to you, but that only has a success rate of around 12%. When I said above that I’ve been truly suicidal, I meant it, and I’ve done the research. Do yourself a favor and research it as well. My hope is that while researching you’ll start realize things aren't as unfix able as they seem.

I hope you take some time to look for professional help. Getting on medication and talking with a psychologist is ideal, but I know not everyone can easily do this.

Suicide isn’t painless, especially when you leave everyone in pain. Your problems, even if they’re caused by a brain injury or chemical imbalance, ARE FIXABLE. In fact, the only thing you can’t fix is killing yourself. Be good to yourself and realize you’re on this planet for a reason. Yeah yeah, its not edgy of me to say some of this stuff, but go fuck yourself, this is important. Anyways, I hope you get some benefit from reading this and I hope you start to love yourself again.

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This is simply a reminder for myself as well. Good luck! I love you guys so much, Thank you for reading.