"Everyone has a story to tell. There’s a reason why they are the way they are. So, before you start talking, please look in me, in my eyes of words, where I pour everything that crippling up inside my only heart that still beating alive. There will be some connections between our lines where we could meet up at some point, understand each other. Spread the love that once we had. Stay safe & stay alive."

It's Been Hard

I thought I was strong enough
I thought I was brave enough
I thought I was in control enough

But I was wrong.

I am not strong enough
I am not brave enough
I am not in control enough

Because everything is falling apart, collapsing, in front of me.
I am powerless, vulnerable. 

I don't know if I am not trying at all.
I don't know if I can survive at all.

It's been hard lately, I've been not alright for few weeks.

I can't focus in what I want to do, even in my prayers.
I often confused reading in my prayers, 
I often engrossed in reading my books,
I can't drive without being reckless,
I can't talk properly, either I don't talk at all or I talk too much or rapidly,

I am not controlling my mind.
They keep on teasing me,
They keep on screaming on me,
They keep on yelling at me,
They can't stop.

I can't help myself,
from hurting myself,
from being awful to myself,
from doing anything that lead to pain for myself,
from hating myself.

I don't know what I can do for myself to keep growing.
I don't know if I can even love myself.

I know, that I am not okay.
I know, that I am giving up.

But, I can't stop now. 

You know why?
Because I still have people that didn't give up on me, I have my loved ones that still cheer for me.

That's what holding me up.
I can't stand to see them crying over my dead body.
I can't stand to see them being judge by idiots because of my death.

But it's been hard lately,
Can I give up?

wiltedrose.s xx

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