I thought I was strong enough
I thought I was brave enough
I thought I was in control enough
But I was wrong.
I am not strong enough
I am not brave enough
I am not in control enough
Because everything is falling apart, collapsing, in front of me.
I am powerless, vulnerable.
I don't know if I am not trying at all.
I don't know if I can survive at all.
It's been hard lately, I've been not alright for few weeks.
I can't focus in what I want to do, even in my prayers.
I often confused reading in my prayers,
I often engrossed in reading my books,
I can't drive without being reckless,
I can't talk properly, either I don't talk at all or I talk too much or rapidly,
I am not controlling my mind.
They keep on teasing me,
They keep on screaming on me,
They keep on yelling at me,
They can't stop.
I can't help myself,
from hurting myself,
from being awful to myself,
from doing anything that lead to pain for myself,
from hating myself.
I don't know what I can do for myself to keep growing.
I don't know if I can even love myself.
I know, that I am not okay.
I know, that I am giving up.
But, I can't stop now.
You know why?
Because I still have people that didn't give up on me, I have my loved ones that still cheer for me.
That's what holding me up.
I can't stand to see them crying over my dead body.
I can't stand to see them being judge by idiots because of my death.
But it's been hard lately,
Can I give up?