"Everyone has a story to tell. There’s a reason why they are the way they are. So, before you start talking, please look in me, in my eyes of words, where I pour everything that crippling up inside my only heart that still beating alive. There will be some connections between our lines where we could meet up at some point, understand each other. Spread the love that once we had. Stay safe & stay alive."

The Secret

     It's really been a while since my last post,on Nov 2016. And today is a new post for this very new year, 2017. I know, there is a lot of questions, even if there is no one will read this post, because I haven't received any visitor lately. But, this post will still be publish, as I want to tell what's going on with me around these years. 

   I don't know how to start actually, because I don't know how will people react about this post. and that makes me feel so nervous and scared. According to my last post of 2016, I had a mental breakdown, which in that post I wrote in kind-of-poem-style-but-not, I talked about how I don't understand myself. 'til now I'm still understanding 'who is me'. Actually I have these days, when I'm suddenly, mentally sick, like I can't think straightly, that makes me crying a lot, and self-harming and having a racing thoughts about you-know-the-bad-thoughts, and even have the tendencies to achieve what I've been planning on -- not the good things.

   The point is, everyone has their own struggles, and I understand that. and this is my struggles that I want others, especially my loved ones to understand, about how hard it is to be me. Like everyday, I have to fight with my own head which is utterly a mess and insane for me to going through it. I am not making all this thing up, as some people think, like, 'Oh there she goes again with her all sickness she has with her mind', 'Oh, she's crazy, she just seek for people's attention'. For God's sake, I'm not seeking for any of your damn attention, it's my real struggles that I have to get through it every fucking days. It's not about my laziness or selfishness, it's about my brain, my mental health problem. It's not my fault for having it. But I won't blame it too. I just need to seek help soon. Because I'm afraid that I'm making all these symptoms getting worse, and yes, I've contacted some organizations that spreading awareness for mental health, and it's helping me. and all I want from others that may know or not knowing me is understand how are people like me have to go through our days battling our own illness. We all have our struggles that we need people to understand and so do us, people that have mental illness need your understanding about our problem and stop the stigma. Let's talk about it.

I have MDD, BPD, and I'm not ashamed.

p/s; I've been thinking about getting a real help from a psychiatrist after my graduation,because right now, I'm having some financial issues but I will be fine. Just keep praying for my well being <3
update: Already seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist. On medications and CBT, daily and regularly. Pray for me xx

wiltedrose.s xx

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