It's dark and lonely.
It's empty and suffocated.
How did I end up here, feeling so chaotic and so restless.
I realized I can’t articulate my thoughts anymore. It’s killing the people around me and killing myself even more.
Somehow, I feel like I don't know how to go on anymore.
I forget everything I know, I'm contemplating to do anything destructive and I realized that I'm out of control.
I tried to make people notice how hurt I am, but it seem everyone turn their back and ignore.
I realized that everyone deals with a little pain, so who am I say I'm not okay?
I'm always trying to talk to my friends and I'm supposed to be a good friend,
but I realized that I'm so easily replaceable for some reason.
It gets harder to talk about it, when people ask "why".
But I think it gets easier to hold it up for myself, to shut up louder, to pretend that I don't want you when all I want is to give in, to hold back the tears and release them once I get into my own bed.
But I think it gets easier to pretend its just a phase, to pretend I want to exist.
I said so many times, "I want to exist, I want to exist."
until I believe it.
But then the darkness crawling up into my face saying it out loud;
"You are nothing"
"You are a troublesome"
"You are useless"
"You are not exist"
and then I think it will getting easier again if I called myself crazy and an arsenic as an excuse for feeling, as if I'm not allowed to feel anything, as if this pressure build-up in my head is nothing but unequal brain chemistry as everyone can brush off my emotions.
and then the sadness, the darkness goes deeper inside me, making me apologizing all the time. I suspect that I'm offending everyone even strangers with my behavior or my attitude, my words or even my silences. I say sorry to make sure that I am not hurting anyone, as if its okay if I'm hurting alone.
and then I feel like I am far away from people, that people start to run away when I tried to talk. I know, I may used the wrong words to ventilate my real emotions, that I make people go away and felt offended. I am trying to use word to let out my inner feelings as I don't know how other than harming myself.
they said, "I will be there" but all I get is nobody wants to be there for the girl who is always sad.
I realized that people start to get annoyed by my rant, my 'always sad' feelings, so I try to shut up until I can't where I will be so dangerous and I know I can't ventilate my feelings to people so, I vent to my body. It says red all the time but I feel the release of pain that I've been holding on and its dying.
--
Why I have all these freaky and crappy thoughts about things that I shouldn't think about,
feels like everyone is leaving me, people starting to hate me, that they are better off without me.
All the darkness that I have consumes inside my soul and make me feels like dying and suffering.
It's so suffocated.
To feel everything and nothing at once.
This feelings is so unexplainable that I can feel my chest is so heavy, like there's some big building that I'm carry on my chest.
But then, I know I have to be okay, and not burdening people with all my silly feeling of sadness, madness, and darkness.
and I repeating the words, "I have to be okay"
It's empty and suffocated.
How did I end up here, feeling so chaotic and so restless.
I realized I can’t articulate my thoughts anymore. It’s killing the people around me and killing myself even more.
Somehow, I feel like I don't know how to go on anymore.
I forget everything I know, I'm contemplating to do anything destructive and I realized that I'm out of control.
I tried to make people notice how hurt I am, but it seem everyone turn their back and ignore.
I realized that everyone deals with a little pain, so who am I say I'm not okay?
I'm always trying to talk to my friends and I'm supposed to be a good friend,
but I realized that I'm so easily replaceable for some reason.
It gets harder to talk about it, when people ask "why".
But I think it gets easier to hold it up for myself, to shut up louder, to pretend that I don't want you when all I want is to give in, to hold back the tears and release them once I get into my own bed.
But I think it gets easier to pretend its just a phase, to pretend I want to exist.
I said so many times, "I want to exist, I want to exist."
until I believe it.
But then the darkness crawling up into my face saying it out loud;
"You are nothing"
"You are a troublesome"
"You are useless"
"You are not exist"
and then I think it will getting easier again if I called myself crazy and an arsenic as an excuse for feeling, as if I'm not allowed to feel anything, as if this pressure build-up in my head is nothing but unequal brain chemistry as everyone can brush off my emotions.
and then the sadness, the darkness goes deeper inside me, making me apologizing all the time. I suspect that I'm offending everyone even strangers with my behavior or my attitude, my words or even my silences. I say sorry to make sure that I am not hurting anyone, as if its okay if I'm hurting alone.
and then I feel like I am far away from people, that people start to run away when I tried to talk. I know, I may used the wrong words to ventilate my real emotions, that I make people go away and felt offended. I am trying to use word to let out my inner feelings as I don't know how other than harming myself.
they said, "I will be there" but all I get is nobody wants to be there for the girl who is always sad.
I realized that people start to get annoyed by my rant, my 'always sad' feelings, so I try to shut up until I can't where I will be so dangerous and I know I can't ventilate my feelings to people so, I vent to my body. It says red all the time but I feel the release of pain that I've been holding on and its dying.
--
Why I have all these freaky and crappy thoughts about things that I shouldn't think about,
feels like everyone is leaving me, people starting to hate me, that they are better off without me.
All the darkness that I have consumes inside my soul and make me feels like dying and suffering.
It's so suffocated.
To feel everything and nothing at once.
This feelings is so unexplainable that I can feel my chest is so heavy, like there's some big building that I'm carry on my chest.
But then, I know I have to be okay, and not burdening people with all my silly feeling of sadness, madness, and darkness.
and I repeating the words, "I have to be okay"
wiltedrose.s xx
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