"Everyone has a story to tell. There’s a reason why they are the way they are. So, before you start talking, please look in me, in my eyes of words, where I pour everything that crippling up inside my only heart that still beating alive. There will be some connections between our lines where we could meet up at some point, understand each other. Spread the love that once we had. Stay safe & stay alive."

I have to be Okay

It's dark and lonely.
It's empty and suffocated.

How did I end up here, feeling so chaotic and so restless. 
I realized I can’t articulate my thoughts anymore. It’s killing the people around me and killing myself even more. 

Somehow, I feel like I don't know how to go on anymore. 
I forget everything I know, I'm contemplating to do anything destructive and I realized that I'm out of control.

I tried to make people notice how hurt I am, but it seem everyone turn their back and ignore.
I realized that everyone deals with a little pain, so who am I say I'm not okay? 

I'm always trying to talk to my friends and I'm supposed to be a good friend,
but I realized that I'm so easily replaceable for some reason.

It gets harder to talk about it, when people ask "why". 
But I think it gets easier to hold it up for myself, to shut up louder, to pretend that I don't want you when all I want is to give in, to hold back the tears and release them once I get into my own bed.

But I think it gets easier to pretend its just a phase, to pretend I want to exist.
I said so many times, "I want to exist, I want to exist."
until I believe it. 

But then the darkness crawling up into my face saying it out loud; 
"You are nothing" 
"You are a troublesome" 
"You are useless" 
"You are not exist"

and then I think it will getting easier again if I called myself crazy and an arsenic as an excuse for feeling, as if I'm not allowed to feel anything, as if this pressure build-up in my head is nothing but unequal brain chemistry as everyone can brush off my emotions.

and then the sadness, the darkness goes deeper inside me, making me apologizing all the time. I suspect that I'm offending everyone even strangers with my behavior or my attitude, my words or even my silences. I say sorry to make sure that I am not hurting anyone, as if its okay if I'm hurting alone. 

and then I feel like I am far away from people, that people start to run away when I tried to talk. I know, I may used the wrong words to ventilate my real emotions, that I make people go away and felt offended. I am trying to use word to let out my inner feelings as I don't know how other than harming myself.

they said, "I will be there" but all I get is nobody wants to be there for the girl who is always sad. 

I realized that people start to get annoyed by my rant, my 'always sad' feelings, so I try to shut up until I can't where I will be so dangerous and I know I can't ventilate my feelings to people so, I vent to my body. It says red all the time but I feel the release of pain that I've been holding on and its dying.

Why I have all these freaky and crappy thoughts about things that I shouldn't think about,
feels like everyone is leaving me, people starting to hate me, that they are better off without me.
All the darkness that I have consumes inside my soul and make me feels like dying and suffering.

It's so suffocated.
To feel everything and nothing at once. 
This feelings is so unexplainable that I can feel my chest is so heavy, like there's some big building that I'm carry on my chest.

But then, I know I have to be okay, and not burdening people with all my silly feeling of sadness, madness, and darkness. 
and I repeating the words, "I have to be okay" 

wiltedrose.s xx

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