Even if you're scared, be brave.
Speak even if your voice shakes.
Stand even if your knees quake.
Smile even if your heart ache.
"Apa yang kau rasa saat ini?"
"Entah, aku sepertinya sudah lemah, selemah-lemahnya."
"aku serasanya ingin terus hilang dari bumi."
"aku nak pergi selama-lamanya"
Sometimes, the world feels like a stranger to me, as I no longer know what is happening around me. I was so scared to see what's around the world, I'd be afraid to think about my future.
I do not know what it means to feel the pleasure, happiness, serenity. I was so distraught with my mind that act as a dictator who wants to dominate and knock me down. Sometimes, I, myself was not able to resist the words that racing in my mind as I like being forced to continually depressed. I'm afraid of myself. I am afraid of what I'm capable of to do with myself.
People might say,
"you just want people's attention"
"you are only being lazy"
"you just disturbed my life with your problems"
"others might have bigger problems than you"
"stop playing around"
"just get over it"
I wish I know how to not feel anything at all, I know I might burdened some people with my silly problems.
I realize that I don't the reasons why I feels this way. I know I shouldn't care so much or think too much. I wish I know how to switch off my feelings.
Some might add,
"just pray more"
"you are lack in your faith"
"just tell your problems to God"
"do more zikr"
I wish I can be more pious like what people want me to be. I am telling all my problems to God, I'm never stop from asking Him to ease my burden, to help me. I am pray on time, I never skip my prayers even when I'm too depressed to do it. I don't know why I'm still having all these negative thoughts or even my suicidal thoughts. I don't know why I feels too much, I think too much, I care so much. I wish I can switch off my feelings.
I am broken inside, and it seems I can't wait for my death anymore, just let me die.