Suicide? Yes or No.

I was once believed that suicide was my only option. I had developed belief systems in my childhood that I was unaware of until I was 23 years old. These beliefs were strong and complex, many to do with how I viewed myself and how I viewed other people. Suicide first became an option for me when I was 15 years old. I was struggled with many suicidal thoughts that I thought it was never ending thoughts. 

I was so inspired by Chester Bennington whom then hanged himself on 2017. I was so devastated when first heard about the news, and from then I learned about hanging. I was very suicidal and can't think anything but suicide is the only option. I was clearly lost in my path of life. I tried hanged myself when I was in recovery phase at my dad's home. I thought I might ended up like Chester. But my dad found me. It just messed up my plan. I was sent to psychiatric ward for a month. 

Okay.. from my last post I was in my recovery. I was so in shape to get better. But I also said that I was relapsed two month after I thought I was better. And yeap, its happened again. I was thinking that I am better yet I realized that I can relapse in no time. I relapsed real bad this time, today is 2020 and I was 88 days clean from self harming and I was three months free from my last suicide attempt. I admit that I still keep a rope that I silently bought it online to triggers myself and maybe act on it. I keep it far from my eyes, don't worry much. Yet, its still a rope to kill myself. Don't ask me why I keep it if I want to recover from my illnesses. It was my safe — plan. I know its a brutal plan. But I dot have any safe plan to keep in my recovery path. As long as I keep the rope, I will remember that suicide is still a choice but I keep it because I know there's still other choices. 

Truthfully, I don't want to end my life by killing myself but what if that's the only option? NO. yes, many of you will say that. I told myself that too. I keep trying to remind myself that suicide isn't painless, isn't the only way, isn't worth and its permanent. I should think about what will my mother feels, my brothers. They may end up like me being depressed caused by my suicide. But you see, the person that provoke all my suicide attempts was my family. Do you think its still reliable to think about them while I want to kill myself? Seriously, I don't know. I may attempt to do it again. 

I know, I should keep fighting against my suicidal thoughts, right now, I'm fucking trying. Everyday is a struggle. to see things like I'm cutting off my head, seeing I'm swinging hang at the fan of my house. I keep seeing myself dead by suicide, maybe because I tremendously thinking about it? I hear voices like saying "You need to hang yourself again", "You better off dead", "You need to cut deeper" and "Why don't you let yourself drowning in the sea". Every simplest thing around me, triggers me. But I'm okay with it, I'm still alive though.

I am currently off from taking any medications, and injection. Because I don't want to depend on it even though I know I need to rely on them. But from current situation I can't. Just keep praying that I will staying sane until my next appointment. I'm currently silently fighting, because my family sees me as a better person now. I just keep myself on track everyday by pretending it. I'm good at it, right? It's okay, I will be better soon. 




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Sorry for no updates. I will continue writing soon. Thankyou for reading! Regards, WR.

I have Killed Myself

I lay awake in the early hours of the morning, pillow stained with tears and eyes burning a bright red. My body is numb and my chest aches from feeling empty.

A thought of death crosses my mind but quickly go away because I know that leaving isn't the answer. I know that leaving will not make anything better, maybe anything could be more worse as much as people said.

--But someways, I'd wish for death. Though I wish death would make everything better.

I have managed to push nearly every person that cares about me away because I fear that I will drag them down with me, but I’m okay with that. 
I’ve saved them the hassle of having to decide to leave themselves. I’m lonely, but I’m okay with that. I’m comfortable with being alone. I’m comfortable with being by myself. 


I’m exhausted. 

--Not because I haven’t slept, but because I’m constantly having to fight with myself, because I’m constantly having to find a way to block out my thoughts and because I am constantly having to be someone I’m not to make sure nobody knows how I truly feel. I don’t want them to feel sorry for me, I don’t want them to have to pretend like they care and I don’t want them to feel like they must help me. I also don’t want them blaming themselves, I don’t want them to feel as though they are part of the reason I am like this because they aren’t. I’ve done this myself. I take full responsibility. 

Don’t get me wrong, I do want help, but I feel as though I’ve passed the point of ever feeling okay again. Everything I try, every stranger I talk to and every medication I have taken does nothing but make me feel worse because I don’t want to rely on other people or medication to make me happy. I want to be able to rebuild myself and be happy again on my own, but I know that won’t happen. Not for a long time anyway. But I’m okay with that, because not everyone can be happy all the time. 

And I have killed myself, but I haven’t taken my own life. I’ve killed my happiness, I’ve killed my relationships, both with friends and family. I’ve killed my positive thoughts, my spirit, my emotions, my feelings, my heart, my soul. I’ve killed every single part of me without having to kill myself, because I’d rather put myself through pain than put others through it. 

But I’m okay with that.

I have to be Okay

It's dark and lonely.
It's empty and suffocated.

How did I end up here, feeling so chaotic and so restless. 
I realized I can’t articulate my thoughts anymore. It’s killing the people around me and killing myself even more. 

Somehow, I feel like I don't know how to go on anymore. 
I forget everything I know, I'm contemplating to do anything destructive and I realized that I'm out of control.

I tried to make people notice how hurt I am, but it seem everyone turn their back and ignore.
I realized that everyone deals with a little pain, so who am I say I'm not okay? 

I'm always trying to talk to my friends and I'm supposed to be a good friend,
but I realized that I'm so easily replaceable for some reason.


It gets harder to talk about it, when people ask "why". 
But I think it gets easier to hold it up for myself, to shut up louder, to pretend that I don't want you when all I want is to give in, to hold back the tears and release them once I get into my own bed.

But I think it gets easier to pretend its just a phase, to pretend I want to exist.
I said so many times, "I want to exist, I want to exist."
until I believe it. 

But then the darkness crawling up into my face saying it out loud; 
"You are nothing" 
"You are a troublesome" 
"You are useless" 
"You are not exist"

and then I think it will getting easier again if I called myself crazy and an arsenic as an excuse for feeling, as if I'm not allowed to feel anything, as if this pressure build-up in my head is nothing but unequal brain chemistry as everyone can brush off my emotions.

and then the sadness, the darkness goes deeper inside me, making me apologizing all the time. I suspect that I'm offending everyone even strangers with my behavior or my attitude, my words or even my silences. I say sorry to make sure that I am not hurting anyone, as if its okay if I'm hurting alone. 

and then I feel like I am far away from people, that people start to run away when I tried to talk. I know, I may used the wrong words to ventilate my real emotions, that I make people go away and felt offended. I am trying to use word to let out my inner feelings as I don't know how other than harming myself.

they said, "I will be there" but all I get is nobody wants to be there for the girl who is always sad. 

I realized that people start to get annoyed by my rant, my 'always sad' feelings, so I try to shut up until I can't where I will be so dangerous and I know I can't ventilate my feelings to people so, I vent to my body. It says red all the time but I feel the release of pain that I've been holding on and its dying.

--
Why I have all these freaky and crappy thoughts about things that I shouldn't think about,
feels like everyone is leaving me, people starting to hate me, that they are better off without me.
All the darkness that I have consumes inside my soul and make me feels like dying and suffering.

It's so suffocated.
To feel everything and nothing at once. 
This feelings is so unexplainable that I can feel my chest is so heavy, like there's some big building that I'm carry on my chest.

But then, I know I have to be okay, and not burdening people with all my silly feeling of sadness, madness, and darkness. 
and I repeating the words, "I have to be okay" 

wiltedrose.s xx

It's Been Hard

I thought I was strong enough
I thought I was brave enough
I thought I was in control enough

But I was wrong.

I am not strong enough
I am not brave enough
I am not in control enough

Because everything is falling apart, collapsing, in front of me.
I am powerless, vulnerable. 

I don't know if I am not trying at all.
I don't know if I can survive at all.

It's been hard lately, I've been not alright for few weeks.

I can't focus in what I want to do, even in my prayers.
I often confused reading in my prayers, 
I often engrossed in reading my books,
I can't drive without being reckless,
I can't talk properly, either I don't talk at all or I talk too much or rapidly,

I am not controlling my mind.
They keep on teasing me,
They keep on screaming on me,
They keep on yelling at me,
They can't stop.

I can't help myself,
from hurting myself,
from being awful to myself,
from doing anything that lead to pain for myself,
from hating myself.

I don't know what I can do for myself to keep growing.
I don't know if I can even love myself.

I know, that I am not okay.
I know, that I am giving up.

But, I can't stop now. 

You know why?
Because I still have people that didn't give up on me, I have my loved ones that still cheer for me.

That's what holding me up.
I can't stand to see them crying over my dead body.
I can't stand to see them being judge by idiots because of my death.

But it's been hard lately,
Can I give up?

wiltedrose.s xx

Hypocrite

0024 a.m. - 17 May 2015

You're good at advising.
But you are not apply any of it
How?
Hypocrite.

Revelry hate wickedness.
But soaring heart wants to do.
How?

Just want to be respected
by those that not important.

Ostensibly, 'you' is the best.
'You' is a filial.
'You' is pure from sin.


Why is this?
Why?
questioning my faith.

--
Where is the real you?
Why should be anyone else?

Just because, 
I know the fact that I am not good enough, 
I am not pious enough,
I am not pretty enough,
I am not a good daughter,
I am not a good sister,
I am not a good friend,
I am nothing.

and I know that I hate myself more than anyone could.

---

I know I wasn't a good person at all, I am a hypocrite and I am sorry for being so. {Roses:2}