Momen Indah (Update Tanggal 040222)

Bicara soal momen-momen indah,

Ada sesuatu yang mengusik hati.

Di mana,

pada saat itu aku masih kecil.

lewat tahun 2009.

Di mana aku masih 'standard two'

Aku punya ramai teman berbual.

Aku punya ramai rakan bermain.

Malah,

sedikit pandai milih pacar.

Oops.

Namun, 

yang indahnya adalah sahabat.

di mana letaknya satu janji.

Dalam berteman,

ada manis.

ada pahit.

Walaupun kami sering bertengkar.

Hanya karena masalah 'cemburu' aku berteman lebih.

Hm, bagiku ianya momen indah.

Momen di mana aku masih tidak mengerti erti sebenar hidup.

belum mengerti erti sebenar sahabat.

Satu hari,

kami bertengkar sehingga tidak bertegur.

Lalu,

aku fikir untuk tuliskan surat buatnya.

Dalam diam, dia turut menulis buatku.

Yang pasti nota penting pasti ada tiap kali berbalas surat.

Nota yang bertanda;

"Simpan surat ini sampai besar tau."

Kadang terasa seperti ingin mengulang kembali.
Mengulang momen-momen saat kita bersama.

Bisa atau tidak ya?


Namun, 
semuanya Tuhan sudah tetapkan masanya.


Sesuatu yang masih ku simpan.

psst; masihkah kau ingat, teman? Moga Tuhan merahmatimu.

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Hey, Hari ini tanggal 4 Februari tahun 2022. dan aku ingin membuka cerita.. Baca ya, 

Kamu,

aku tak mengerti tentang soalnya percintaan. 

Tetapi, kamu banyak mengajar aku ertinya.

Kita.. bertemu semula pada tanggal 6 Disember Tahun 2019.

Kamu menegur aku dengan "Morning young child"..

Begitu mengusik aku. 

Karena pada tanggal tersebut yang berlegar dalam pemikiranku itu, 

'bagaimana caranya untuk mati tanpa sakit'..

Kehadiran mesej darimu begitu membuat pusingan kedua kepadaku,

memikirkan peluang kedua untuk aku terus hidup.

Disini, aku ditahan oleh doktor di hospital Uitm Puncak Alam.

Aku terlihat videomu di aplikasi yang selalu kamu kata kamu tidak akan meng'install'nya.

Kamu membuat video tentangku..

Aku tahu.. disaat ini, bahwa kamu mungkin yang benar-benar dikirim Tuhan untuk aku.

Aku cuma tidak tahu bagaimana harus meneruskan ini.

Karena semuanya terlalu bercelaru untuk aku. Sangat-sangat penat dengan ini.

Aku ingin melihat dunia sekali lagi, bersamamu.

"I pray to God, I don't die in my sleep."

Suicide? Yes or No.

I was once believed that suicide was my only option. I had developed belief systems in my childhood that I was unaware of until I was 23 years old. These beliefs were strong and complex, many to do with how I viewed myself and how I viewed other people. Suicide first became an option for me when I was 15 years old. I was struggled with many suicidal thoughts that I thought it was never ending thoughts. 

I was so inspired by Chester Bennington whom then hanged himself on 2017. I was so devastated when first heard about the news, and from then I learned about hanging. I was very suicidal and can't think anything but suicide is the only option. I was clearly lost in my path of life. I tried hanged myself when I was in recovery phase at my dad's home. I thought I might ended up like Chester. But my dad found me. It just messed up my plan. I was sent to psychiatric ward for a month. 

Okay.. from my last post I was in my recovery. I was so in shape to get better. But I also said that I was relapsed two month after I thought I was better. And yeap, its happened again. I was thinking that I am better yet I realized that I can relapse in no time. I relapsed real bad this time, today is 2020 and I was 88 days clean from self harming and I was three months free from my last suicide attempt. I admit that I still keep a rope that I silently bought it online to triggers myself and maybe act on it. I keep it far from my eyes, don't worry much. Yet, its still a rope to kill myself. Don't ask me why I keep it if I want to recover from my illnesses. It was my safe — plan. I know its a brutal plan. But I dot have any safe plan to keep in my recovery path. As long as I keep the rope, I will remember that suicide is still a choice but I keep it because I know there's still other choices. 

Truthfully, I don't want to end my life by killing myself but what if that's the only option? NO. yes, many of you will say that. I told myself that too. I keep trying to remind myself that suicide isn't painless, isn't the only way, isn't worth and its permanent. I should think about what will my mother feels, my brothers. They may end up like me being depressed caused by my suicide. But you see, the person that provoke all my suicide attempts was my family. Do you think its still reliable to think about them while I want to kill myself? Seriously, I don't know. I may attempt to do it again. 

I know, I should keep fighting against my suicidal thoughts, right now, I'm fucking trying. Everyday is a struggle. to see things like I'm cutting off my head, seeing I'm swinging hang at the fan of my house. I keep seeing myself dead by suicide, maybe because I tremendously thinking about it? I hear voices like saying "You need to hang yourself again", "You better off dead", "You need to cut deeper" and "Why don't you let yourself drowning in the sea". Every simplest thing around me, triggers me. But I'm okay with it, I'm still alive though.

I am currently off from taking any medications, and injection. Because I don't want to depend on it even though I know I need to rely on them. But from current situation I can't. Just keep praying that I will staying sane until my next appointment. I'm currently silently fighting, because my family sees me as a better person now. I just keep myself on track everyday by pretending it. I'm good at it, right? It's okay, I will be better soon. 




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Sorry for no updates. I will continue writing soon. Thankyou for reading! Regards, WR.

Death and Life

I remember vividly how I tried to kill myself, its not the first time I had tried. I've been tried to kill myself over 10 times. 5 of them put me into the hospital in psychiatric ward. On the last post about me being warded in psychiatric ward for the first time was the first step of me in this freaking long recovery journey. It's 2019 now. and it's been 3 years I'm on treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder with Psychosis and Bulimia Nervosa. on May 2019, I am confidently told my psychiatrist that I want to stop treatment because I think and felt like I'm better already. 

But you see, this is all my brain tricks, to makes me relapse even worse. and yeap, I relapse even worsen two months after. I cut and even did a suicide attempt but thankfully didn't end up in psychiatric ward cause I just went to a private clinic where I work at, and my cuts didn't hit my veins but almost. It was bleeding non stop till the next day. My doctor at the clinic told me and even gave me a referral letter to go the Emergency Department in Hospital Sg Buloh but yeah, I just keep myself at home until it stops bleeding by itself. Its took three days to stop. and I keeps having vertigo because I loss a lot of blood. MY mum of course got really mad at me and but told me to go to the hospital by myself but yeah, I don't have the guts to go.

Thinking seriously about suicide is something you can’t ignore, and you need to recognize that.
I’m not going to tell you that you should reconsider. I’m not going to try and guilt you into staying alive, either. 

Instead I want to offer you some things that I learned while standing on the brink of destruction. Is it wrong to kill yourself? No. But it’s a bad idea if you haven’t really thought through a few things first.

There is no reason to kill yourself right now or later tonight. Give yourself three more days or a day. Go ahead and set a fucking timer if you want, but give yourself a few days to look around and be sure you’re making the right decision.

If you feel like you can’t wait for few days, I need you to realize that you are likely having an uncontrollable anxiety attack or a break from reality. This is TEMPORARY. Suicide is permanent. You need to get help right now, because chances are that your brain is playing tricks on you, and you’re not thinking clearly. You might accidentally do something you’ll regret.

One really important thing I need to mention is that killing yourself isn’t easy. You statistically are not going to succeed, and instead you’re going to severely hurt yourself and possibly fuck yourself up and then have to deal with that on top of everything else. Sorry, but I’m just being brutally honest here. Think that you’re just gonna overdose on pills and go to sleep forever? Yeah, sorry to break it to you, but that only has a success rate of around 12%. When I said above that I’ve been truly suicidal, I meant it, and I’ve done the research. Do yourself a favor and research it as well. My hope is that while researching you’ll start realize things aren't as unfix able as they seem.

I hope you take some time to look for professional help. Getting on medication and talking with a psychologist is ideal, but I know not everyone can easily do this.

Suicide isn’t painless, especially when you leave everyone in pain. Your problems, even if they’re caused by a brain injury or chemical imbalance, ARE FIXABLE. In fact, the only thing you can’t fix is killing yourself. Be good to yourself and realize you’re on this planet for a reason. Yeah yeah, its not edgy of me to say some of this stuff, but go fuck yourself, this is important. Anyways, I hope you get some benefit from reading this and I hope you start to love yourself again.

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This is simply a reminder for myself as well. Good luck! I love you guys so much, Thank you for reading.